Senior Living Made Simple: Finding Clarity in Caregiving with Shari Ross

 In this episode of 'Advice from Your Advocates', Attorney Bob Mannor speaks with Shari Ross, author of 'Senior Living Made Simple'. They discuss the complexities of senior living, the emotional challenges families face, particularly guilt, and the importance of socialization for seniors. Shari introduces her SIMPLE method for navigating senior care, emphasizing preparation and support. The conversation also touches on dementia care, the sandwich generation, and the need for caregivers to seek help and build support systems. 

Listen now wherever you get your podcasts - full video available on YouTube.

Host: Attorney Bob Mannor

Guest: Shari Ross

Executive Producer: Savannah Meksto

Assistant Producers: Samantha Noah, Shalene Gaul

Chapters

• 0:00 Meet Sherry Ross and Her Journey
• 3:21 Caregiver Guilt and Culture Myths
• 6:40 Socialization, Thriving, and Dementia
• 9:08 COVID Lessons on Isolation
• 9:58 The SIMPLE Method Overview
• 14:54 Matching People to the Right Place
• 18:13 Letting Go: Guilt and Stuff
• 21:05 Engagement After the Move
• 24:05 Dementia Advocacy and Early Planning
• 28:16 Avoiding Cocooning and Spotting Signs
• 31:08 Who Sherry Helps and Options Today

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

You're listening to Advice from Your Advocates, a show where we provide elder law advice to professionals who work with the elderly and their families.

SPEAKER_00: 0:09

Welcome back to Advice from Your Advocates. I'm Bob Manner. I'm a certified elder law attorney in Michigan. And I'm really excited about our guest today. We've got Sherry Ross. She's the author of Senior Living Made Simple, which, boy, it doesn't seem simple to me. So if she can make it simple, that's great. So, Sherry, welcome.

SPEAKER_01: 0:28

Thank you, Bob. It's really a pleasure to be here. Thanks for having me on.

SPEAKER_00: 0:31

Tell us a little bit about yourself and your background, and then we'll get into your book.

SPEAKER_01: 0:36

Sure. So my whole journey here was not a very straight path. I started out in the theater world, which is very far removed. Yeah. I um I grew up doing theater and then I went to NYU, Tish School of the Arts. You know, that was my career trajectory for a while. I moved to California from New York after graduation and kind of worked in that whole industry for several years. But eventually I ended up getting married and having a couple of kids. And I settled down and was a stay-at-home mom for a few years until the children got a little bit older and I decided I wanted to restart a new career. And so I went into the medical field as a pharmaceutical sales rep. And one of the mid medications that I sold was called Namenda, which is for Alzheimer's disease. So it kind of opened my eyes to this whole other world of memory care, neurology. And I got so much exposure to the medical professionals who were working with other families and seniors, especially with dementia. I ended up kind of transitioning into a sales job in a memory care community. Okay. It was stri strictly, strictly dementia. And so that really opened my eyes. I started working with families one-on-one, guiding them through the whole transition of, you know, having to put their families into or their loved one into a memory care community and all the intricacies along with that. And over time I started to expand into more of an independent, assisted living and memory care senior living specialist all over the nation, working with families every single day, trying to help them through this crazy maze of senior living.

SPEAKER_00: 2:24

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 2:24

So I I'm not a doctor, I'm not a clinician. I don't uh, you know, pretend that I am anything more than um somebody who has met with hundreds and hundreds of families who are just going through this process and come to me with panic in their eyes and they're exhausted and they feel guilt and all of these things. So I think I have so much to share with those that I meet with and talk to. And then I created this book just to give a whole wealth of information, but in a way that is conversational. Like I'm holding your hand throughout the book, telling stories, things that I've seen, things I've witnessed. I do think that just having that support for families going through all this is really, really important.

SPEAKER_00: 3:10

So that's interesting. I really want to get into your book and the acronym that you use in your book. Simple, but before we get there, you said something that is, I think, really important for families to grapple with. And you mentioned uh just briefly the guilt that family has sometimes. And so I want you to address that because I think that's such an important element here. And it's unfortunate. I think it's it's based on cultural norms and movies we've watched and all these things when the reality is that I think that sometimes we're looking the whole point of moving into some kind of senior living setting is to improve quality of life, not to decrease it. And yet that's the opposite that we see in the culture, right? In the movies that we see, they always project it differently. And so we uh, you know, families that are dealing for this for the first time often experience a lot of guilt. Can you address that?

SPEAKER_01: 4:04

Absolutely. Yes. Guilt is universal, right? Almost every caregiver, every adult child dealing with this does feel that it's a very normal and and a lot of people think that they should just be able to handle it all. And then when they can't, they feel like they've failed. And, you know, I always think guilt doesn't keep your loved ones safe, right? And it doesn't make you a better caregiver either. A lot of guilt comes from promises. Like I told my mom I'd never put her in a home, you know, I'd never send her out of her own house. But, you know, let's be honest, when you make that promise, you're not picturing all the potentially wandering or incontinence or 24-7 supervision that they potentially need. So what you promised them was love and care. And sometimes the best way to keep that promise is with professional support. You know, I've met so many sons and daughters and spouses who just agonized over moving their loved one to a community. But after a few months in in the community, I hear the words, you know, I finally get to be the daughter again. I finally get to be the wife again. I'm not the caregiver. Um, it kind of puts you back into that role that you were meant to be in. You know, it's you're not I think the biggest thing for people to know is you're not abandoning your loved one. You're just surrounding them with more care. Right. And you're you're also protecting yourself and your own health so that you can still show up for them how they need you. And you're still the caregiver, but just in a different way. So I think once families see that their loved one is thriving and safe, it guilt will often give way to relief.

SPEAKER_00: 5:47

I think that's uh you used a word there that I think is really important, thriving. I've seen this so often where family really struggle with this a lot. And then I go and visit six months later once they've uh have some kind of placement in some kind of senior living setting, and they are thriving. And a lot of them will admit it that it's a better quality of life. Because if you think about it, if you're home and kind of confined to that, because it can be difficult to go out and socialize at that point, especially if a dementia is involved, that you're really not getting a lot of social interaction. And one of the best things for dementia to kind of slow that down or give you a better quality of life with dementia is that social interaction. And so if your only people you see are your family or a caregiver, and you're just kind of confined to your home, it's very lonely. And it's just not something that people always think about. They just assume, oh, it's better in the home. But the reality is, I find that most people that make that decision actually thrive in the uh setting because now they have socialization, they have people to talk to, they have people their own age. So we have one client that he was running a poker table at the assisted living, and they loved him as a resident. We were working with the the folks that worked at the assisted living, and they were telling me that they play cards every day. They weren't sure that anybody was really following the rules of the card game, but they were there enjoying themselves, and there was a you know a group of men playing cards, and you know, and that can be really make a big difference in sort of quality of life, but also sometimes thriving and slowing down that progression of the dementia.

SPEAKER_01: 7:28

I think the biggest thing is that we well, as seniors, that that fourth quarter there, you continue to still really need purpose in your life and you need to feel like you're productive. Yeah. And, you know, going back to what you were saying about the socialization aspect, during COVID, a lot of our seniors they were, they were home. We all were. But particularly for them, they were absolutely not able to socialize. And when COVID sort of ended and everyone started coming back into the real world, I mean coming into these senior living communities and memory care communities, we saw this massive just increase in their decline. And it really showed us, I mean, we already knew this, but it really, really put a magnifying glass on the idea that without that socialization factor and being around people and community, that it is actually harmful. And there's actually proof now that shows that socialization is actually the biggest factor in healthy aging, even over nutrition and exercise. Major, major important thing that we are around people. I mean, we're as human beings, we are meant to be around people. Even if you're a loner, just getting down to the dining room three times a day or twice a day and being around your peers, just maybe participating in one activity a day, even that is so beneficial to your mind, your body, your ability to, you know, be a functioning, happy individual.

SPEAKER_00: 9:03

So I want to get into your book and make let me read out the whole full title of your book. So it's Senior Living Made Simple, which is an acronym that I'm gonna ask you about. A real-world guide to navigating senior care for your loved ones. So let's first talk about well, I want to talk about how you came about writing the book and the details of it, but before we get into that, I want to know more about that acronym simple.

SPEAKER_01: 9:29

Yes. So I created this simple method to kind of prepare families or loved ones before so that they could assist their loved ones without feeling like they have to do it in the midst of a crisis. Instead of finding yourself in an emergency room at 2 a.m. after your mom has walked out the door in the middle of the night in her uh slippers and bathrobe and knocks on a neighbor's door or falls for the tenth time and now is a broken hip in the emergency room. Let's try to get everything prepared ahead of time. I think that that will lead us from a chaotic way of dealing with all of this to a much more competent and calm way without as much panic. So each letter stands for a word, which could have its own podcast, you know, because they all are so, so important individually. But to go through it, the S stands for support because we cannot do this alone. We need friends, we need a team, we need family, we need professional support sometimes, support groups, physicians, social workers, geriatric care managers, whatever you can, you know, get your hands on, we need that support around us. You cannot be superwoman or superman and do everything on your own. So don't even try. And the next letter is I for information, gathering your options, learning about things early on. Does my mom need independent living or assisted living or memory care or what's out there? You know, figure out the options ahead of time. M is for matching. So everyone has different care needs, everyone has different needs socially, everyone is has a different personality. So you can't just say, oh, I'm gonna walk into this senior living community. It's gorgeous, it's got chandeliers, it's got beautiful art on the walls, chef-inspired meals. Okay, that's wonderful. You want to have nice aesthetics around you. But maybe that person isn't a person who likes to be around 200 people every day. Maybe they want to be in a smaller environment, like a boarding care with six beds, or maybe they need a lot more assistance than just a regular assisted living can provide. Maybe they have mild cognitive impairment and they need programming that supports that stage of where they are. Matching, finding the right place for the right person is really important. P is for preparation. So again, good kind of goes along with information, but preparation in terms of making sure you have all your ducts in order, legal documents, your financial documents. Is there a long-term care policy that's buried somewhere in a box in the basement? Thrab it out ahead of time so that you're not, you know, trying to figure all this out. Because when you whether you're gonna stay at home with home care or go to an assisted living, you are going to have to deal with a lot of paperwork. It's just inevitable. So make sure you have all that prepared and ready to go. L is for letting go, and that's twofold. One is letting go of the guilt, let go of the idea that you have to do everything yourself, and let go of just this feeling that you're maybe not doing the right thing. You're doing the best you can, and that's all you possibly can do. The other part of letting go is letting go of stuff, right? When you move to an assisted living or memory care, you've got this small apartment. You can't maybe bring your gorgeous antique table or all of your china that you've had for 50 years. Let go of this stuff. Let go of the idea that you have to be in your house to be well cared for. It's just stuff. And it's not actually what we need as people is a community, and we need potentially more safety or more things to do to make sure that we're getting a better quality of life. And then finally, E. Engagement. So even after a loved one goes to a community, memory care, you're still engaging with them, but in a different way. Um, you're not caregiving, but you want to make sure that you know you're you're engaging with them in the way that's meaningful. So if that means that your dad likes to play chess every Friday night, um, even if he doesn't understand the game anymore, go go play chess with him. If your, you know, mom likes to go out shopping, make sure you're taking her out to go shopping and you know, doing the things that maybe you used to do, still stay engaged with them. Make sure make sure that they're they're feeling like they are being cared for by you, even though you're not caring for them in the manner that you used to.

SPEAKER_00: 14:06

You know, that last one I think you had mentioned earlier about being able to get back to be the child or the spouse and not just the 24-hour caregiver. And so I think the engagement part of it is very, very important, like you mentioned, but that a lot of that you're just too exhausted to do that if you're also a 24-hour caregiver. So if you're able to get the help that you need, now you get back to being that spouse, you get back to being that child and really can be, you know, uh have that engagement, which could really just make a lot of memories and and really improve that last, you know, fourth quarter of your life, like you said.

SPEAKER_01: 14:42

Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 14:44

So one of the things that is uh that I I love about what I've read about you, because this is something that we focus on quite a bit, is dementia care and advocacy. So what kind of sets you apart with dementia care and advocacy? It's something that we found there's not very many lawyers that say they focus on dementia and and Alzheimer's. And we actually do say that because we realized that a good percentage of our clients that need this continuing care, need long-term care, have memory issues, have memory loss. And so we started focusing on that. So on with on your part, what set you apart with regard to dementia care and advocacy?

SPEAKER_01: 15:22

Yeah, so I mean, it goes way, way back for me. Uh randomly enough, when I was younger, at probably like seventh or eighth grade, I would spend a couple summers in a row at my grandparents' home, about an hour away from my house. And I worked at or interned at a summer theater, summer stock theater, and all the patrons there were happen to be senior citizens. And then I'm around my grandparents. So I was literally around old people as a young person quite a bit. And somehow I just felt this very strong connection to them. I was able to just, I loved hearing stories. And even at that age, I, you know, I kind of understood when maybe some of them had a little bit of memory loss. And it didn't scare me. It just intrigued me. I wanted to know more and I just I connected with them well. And then that when I went into memory care many, many, many years later, I just felt like there was this connection. And I I wanted to get to these families who again they came to me just panicked, just so worried, and they didn't have a plan in place. And it just it broke my heart because I know how many of them just absolutely loved their families and cared for them and they just wanted to do the right thing. So I just I thought there there has to be a better way to go about this than just, you know, having to just deal with it when it comes. Let's get get prepared ahead of time, understand it a little bit more, know what, you know, the right things to say, the right things to look for, so that you can get assistance earlier than waiting until later when maybe your loved one no longer has as much of a quality of life. Let's get to it beforehand so they can, you know, still enjoy their lives as much as they can and and hopefully to slow down their decline in dementia. Because if you're doing the right things, if you're engaging the right way, you know, and and taking all the required steps, then it just can make it a lot easier, a lot calmer along the way.

SPEAKER_00: 17:23

I think that's so important. And I think so. We had one of our podcasts guests that talked about that many families he called it cocooning, meaning that um there was some embarrassment or whatever, and so that they would just kind of cocoon in the house, not interact with others, kind of hide dad from the world or mom from the world, and you know, just you know, try to cocoon and not really that is probably the worst option available because it's first of all likely to make it so that your dementia is going to increase faster, you're gonna have less of those good days, which you just mentioned, how that it can extend. What we really want to do is take advantage of the time when we can interact more. Because there could come a time where there's not really much interaction. And so that I think what you're saying is, you know, agreeing with our other guest that said, you know, really just kind of trying to hide in your house, and unfortunately, you know, people still not, you know, being comfortable with I don't know, the stigma maybe of uh of dementia, that it's really better in we'll get more of those good days, more of that good time where we can really have time with our loved ones if we expand beyond just hiding in our homes.

SPEAKER_01: 18:45

And I get it. I mean, I I do understand that a lot of people with dementia or even starting with mild cognitive impairment, especially in that stage, their first instinct is to isolate and becomes a a vicious cycle. But they're embarrassed, you know, oh maybe I'm not acting like I used to. Maybe people think I'm not normal. I am forgetting names and words and you know, so all these little signs come up and they're just not they're feeling like they're losing control a little bit, losing that just ability to relate to people. So then they tend to isolate. And like you said, I mean, that just becomes like a vicious circle of the more you isolate, the quicker your decline generally will be. So yeah, so for caregivers, spotting those signs and you know, whether it be, oh, my my mom keeps on, you know, getting lost going to the same store she's been going to for 20 years, like what's going on? Like, don't just brush it off like, oh, it's just old age, you know, kind of thing. The quicker that we can uh intercept and try to do what we can do to to get your parent or your spouse the care and the solutions to sort of slow down the dementia, the better. So so don't don't chalk it up as old age. Let's let's be a little bit more proactive so that, like you said, we have a little bit more time that's more quality and um can enjoy our lives a little bit longer.

SPEAKER_00: 20:11

Now, I I think you have a consulting business on uh the these areas. And so what types of people do you work with? What types of clients do you have as part of your consulting business?

SPEAKER_01: 20:20

Yeah, so well, besides the elder care attorneys and financial planners who tend to like to buy my book to give to their clients because it helps them um to save a lot of time on information that they have to on their own, you know, tell their client and explain to their client. This this helps to just kind of get this this whole the whole thing started so that the client can understand the whole process. But also what I who I generally work with are the adult children who have a parent that is is either in the beginning stages of needing care or is you know really in the depths of of what's going on. And and you know, they tend to just really need a hand holder from somebody who has been through this and and has been in the trenches to understand it's not just you know, there's an emotional component, obviously. It's not just the logistics, but but it's important to have both sides of things covered. So beyond the loved one or the adult child, I also work with seniors themselves who, yeah, they they don't really know the process and they don't know what's out there. And in their minds, you know, like you said, there's a huge stigma. They're they're picturing where their parents were, which maybe in the the 60s or 70s, you know, in these these sterile kind of nursing home kind of situations where there's some of that still out there. I mean, that is one of the there is unfortunately, and and yeah, and and that is the whole, I mean, there is a whole unfortunate financial component around this because not everybody can afford to go to a nicer type of community living. But yeah, so there is still that nursing home kind of thing out there, but I think there's so many more options now, and we need to get past that stigma that all these places are just where you go to sit there and wait to die. Because in reality, what we're finding is that that these seniors who go into these communities, they're now coming alive, you know, for that, you know, last few years of their lives, whether it's five years, ten years, whatever it may be, they're now contributing to this amazing quality of life, which maybe for many years they were sitting at home just watching TV and passively letting life go by. And that's not necessarily the best, the best way to live. So now we're we're discovering all this amazing thing, things that people can take up painting again, maybe things that they used to do that they stopped doing. And yeah, hobbies and and socialization and all of these important things that now they can have now that they're in a community setting.

SPEAKER_00: 23:00

I was at an assisted living a little a little bit ago and saw one of my clients and they just chatting him up a bit and said because he was in line to get on the in the van. And I said, Well, what's your adventure today? Where are you going? He's like, I don't know. I just when the van shows up, I get on and we go wherever we're gonna go. I talked to the staff, and he's they were like, Yeah, that's exactly what he does. It's you know, sometimes they might be going to a casino, they might be going to the grocery store, they might be going to breakfast or somewhere.

SPEAKER_01: 23:28

You know, you mentioned a story that kind of I related to earlier, and my father-in-law actually went through this whole process more recently in the last few years. He had he was kind of at home, like I mentioned, like sort of declining in his own apartment, isolating a little bit, really not that very healthy. I could just tell like he wasn't eating properly, probably wasn't taking his medications properly. And I kept on introducing the idea of assisted living. He was adamantly against it. He was absolutely not. I'm not going, I'm not leaving. Well, the inevitable happened. He fell and he was found on the floor several hours later by his brother. And he ended up, you know, having a broken hip, went to the hospital, went to rehab. And at that point, he realized, okay, you put it in my head, I get it. I'm not really safe here at home. He went to an assisted living. Well, cut to a couple months later, I go to visit him, and he is a different person. Thriving. I mean, just his face looked 10 years younger. He's now, like you said, he's playing cards with these guys, and these are things he he hadn't done in years. He's got transportation now to go to the store, go to outside events, um, and he's taking advantage of it, doing chair yoga, he's getting physical therapy there. I mean, eating really good, nutritious meals, getting his medications taken care of. I mean, overall, he's just so much healthier in every way. And so I've lived it. I see it with my own family on top of these hundreds of other families that for every time I've heard, gosh, I should have done this five years ago. I would be so so rich right now.

SPEAKER_00: 25:04

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 25:05

If I had a couple uh a nickel for every time. But because it really does it for most people, it really is a very, very positive experience.

SPEAKER_00: 25:14

Uh you mentioned this was your father-in-law, and you have kids also. And so something that we've been talking a lot about is sort of that sandwich generation where they have, you know, they're still raising children, and now we're having to kind of help out our parents uh or our our in-laws. Can you kind of address some of the struggles that that brings up?

SPEAKER_01: 25:37

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I'm kind of right in the thick of it, and there's so many of us right now who, you know, my kids are a little bit, they're adult, old, you know, young adults now, but they still need they still need assistance to to get out there in the world. And so I'm working a lot with them. But then I also have my career and and that takes up a lot of time. But then I've got my my parents. I've got, thankfully, my mom is still independent, but even with that, you know, I have spent several Saturdays sitting with her trying to put together a binder of paperwork and financial documents and POA documents and and end-of-life wishes, all of those things to try to prepare because she's not always gonna be independent. So I'm working with her. I'm working with my father-in-law to make sure he's good. And so it's it's a struggle. There's definitely a pull from so many different places. So those of us in this sandwich generation really under need to understand that you gotta you gotta also take care of yourself, you know, whether that means going and getting a massage every once in a while, or making sure that you're settling down at night with a cup of tea, or just taking a moment to just breathe and know that again, you cannot take on everything at once. So, so dish it out to people, get help, get support, because there's just not enough time in the day to do everything.

SPEAKER_00: 26:59

I think that's uh really good advice, and particularly the get help part of it, because I think sometimes I know my parents' generation were very much well, we just do everything myself. My dad fixed his own cars and changed his own oil and all of those types of things. And the idea is that there's so many options that you don't know if you don't seek out help. There's different like you uh and like me that can give resources that really make life a lot easier that you're never gonna know about or discover without working with somebody that has gone through this with, you know, hundreds of other families.

SPEAKER_01: 27:35

Exactly. Yeah, you want to make sure that you're you're getting advice from the right places from people who have been there who have done it, and that understand the complexities of the whole process of, you know, making sure that your loved one is not only safe, but is getting the right stimulation at the right time and that they're being challenged, you know, mentally and physically, but not being frustrated. Um, because it's kind of this like just right sort of situation where you want to make sure that they're in the right environment, around the right people. For example, understand your options. If your parent or your spouse has mild cognitive impairments, the right place for them is not going to be a secured dementia community or memory care community, because that could actually pull them down, drag them down, and and they could face a quicker decline if they're not around the people that are similar to them. Also getting a very sort of you wanna you wanna kind of stay consistent each day and have a routine. And if you're pulling a loved one around and bringing them to this place and that place and different things all the time and not having this consistency with them, that could also hasten a decline too, or even just make things more difficult in terms of their behavior, you know, their beh their personality. So just having the right information at at your fingertips prior to things getting worse is really the key.

SPEAKER_00: 29:09

So I want to make sure that our listeners know how to get a hold of you and get access to your resources. One of the you know, best things would be your book, which is Senior Living Made Simple, a real world guide to navigating senior care for your loved one. And where would be the best place for them to buy that book?

SPEAKER_01: 29:29

Yeah, so it is on Amazon.com and Barnesandobles.com, Walmart.com, everywhere that you can get a book online. I also wrote a workbook that is goes in tandem with the book. It's by the same name, but basically it is a whole series of checklists and journal prompts. Yeah, so you can take the book and then you can put it into action with the workbook, and it just keeps everything very organized. My whole goal is to have less chaos and less confusion and to get through this whole maze in. A clearer way in a calmer way. So the the book and the workbook you can get online, or you can go onto my website, which is senior living made simple.com, same as the book. And on the website, you can order the books as well. You can also sign up with me for consulting whether in 30 minute or 60 minute or increment, or I can go through the whole process with you for several weeks, whatever it is that that you're needing. And then I can provide resources as well after our calls so that you can be better prepared.

SPEAKER_00: 30:33

Well, that's that's great. So again, the website is seniorliving made simple.com. You can uh schedule a consulting session, you can get access to the book or any place that you buy books online. Sherry, Ross, thank you for being on advice from your advocates. We really appreciate it. Any final thoughts for our listeners?

SPEAKER_01: 30:52

Um yeah, I just think that for all of our caregivers out there, knowing that you can't do it alone and you need to get support before you're completely burned out. So build that support system now. And then just understand that, especially with dementia, caring for someone is a marathon, it's not a sprint. And if you try to do it all yourself, you're gonna break. Asking for help ensures that your loved ones cared for and that you're still standing in the end, and that's the balance that every caregiver needs. So just make sure that you're you're not alone in all this.

SPEAKER_00: 31:26

Well, thank you. And if you've enjoyed this podcast, don't forget to subscribe. You can find advice from your advocates anywhere that you listen to podcasts. So please subscribe and we'll talk to you next time.

SPEAKER_01: 31:43

Thanks for listening. To learn more, visit Manor Law Group.com.