Caregiver’s Guide to Easing Dementia Behaviors: Healing Through Understanding Past Trauma

In this episode, we explore vital elder care strategies focused on understanding dementia behaviors through the lens of personal history, trauma, and emotional support. Elder Law Attorney Bob Mannor interviews dementia care expert and author Tami Anastasia, MA to uncover how caregivers can use care planning that honors the individual beneath the diagnosis.

Instead of dismissing actions as "just dementia," we dive into roots such as family patterns, old roles, and early wounds that resurface as coping skills diminish. This insights-driven approach empowers caregivers with practical strategies—soothing language, anchoring routines, and environment adaptations—that reduce agitation and preserve dignity.

Tami shares insights from her book about creating a concise history profile for loved ones and how to incorporate it into effective care plans. We discuss the importance of reassurance and explore innovative dignity-first elder care models like the dementia village in Amsterdam, promoting purpose, freedom, and connection.

Caregiving doesn’t stop with those receiving care. This episode also supports the caregiver journey by unpacking family dynamics, boundary-setting, and managing guilt. Whether providing close or distance care, listeners gain concrete tips for validation, redirection, creating safer spaces, and developing daily rhythms that foster calm and belonging.

Subscribe and share this episode to empower caregivers with tools that heal and sustain. Your story and theirs matter deeply.

Host: Attorney Bob Mannor, CELA, CDP

Guest: Tami Anastasia, MA

Executive Producer: Savannah Meksto

Assistant Producers: Samantha Noah, Shalene Gaul

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Guest Reintroduction
• 1:00 Tammy’s Background And Motivation
• 3:15 Learning By Doing And Caregiver Guilt
• 4:30 The Dementia Village Model
• 7:30 Identity, Dignity, And Connection
• 10:10 Why The New Book Was Written
• 12:00 Personal History Behind Behaviors
• 15:00 Trauma Resurfacing And Healing Language
• 19:00 Caregiver Boundaries And Self Understanding
• 22:00 Audiobook And Accessibility
• 23:30 Family Dynamics And Roles

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

You're listening to Advice from Your Advocates, a show where we provide elder law advice to professionals who work with the elderly and their families.

SPEAKER_00: 0:09

Welcome back to Advice from Your Advocates. I'm Bob Banner, a nationally certified elder law attorney. And I'm really excited about today because we got a return guest, Tammy Anastasia. And so she's got a new book out. I'm really excited about this new book. So, Tammy, can you introduce yourself for those that haven't seen the previous podcast?

SPEAKER_01: 0:33

Sure. And thank you for having me again, Bob. It's always a pleasure to see you. My name is Tammy Anastasia. I am a Dementec Care expert and educator, and also the author of two books. My first book was Essential Strategies for the Dementia Caregiver. Learning the case.

SPEAKER_00: 0:47

Which is a great book, by the way. So if you haven't gotten that book yet, get that book from you can get that on Amazon or on your website, right?

SPEAKER_01: 0:55

Yep, you can get it on Amazon.

SPEAKER_00: 0:57

Then my But now we're going to talk about a new book.

SPEAKER_01: 0:59

Yes, we are. My new book that just came out a couple weeks ago Dementia, Caregiving, and Personal History, How to Help Cope, Connect, and Heal.

SPEAKER_00: 1:09

That's great. So tell us a little bit more about you before we get into the book.

SPEAKER_01: 1:14

Yeah, so I have a master's in counseling psychology, and I started a private practice in 1991. And my grandmother actually was diagnosed with senility back in the day. We didn't know then what we know now. And it was very rough on my father. It was his mother. When I opened my practice, I had started initially a wellness practice and then evolved into dementia care. And wish I knew then what I know now because I could have supported my father and our family having much better understanding of what she was experiencing and what was going on and how she would behave to towards my father. My my father took her behavior personally and just would come home crying and very upset. So I feel it's I want to pay it forward. And if I can help educate people, understand better about dementia and the behaviors, and understand better how to be a caregiver, I feel like I can make a difference, hopefully, and provide awareness and the insight and the strategies that can help make this journey a little bit better, both for the person living with dementia as well as the caregiver.

SPEAKER_00: 2:27

It's one of my favorite quotes is the do the best you can until you know better. And then when you know better, do better.

SPEAKER_01: 2:35

Yeah. And the dementia journey itself is a learning by doing process, right?

SPEAKER_00: 2:39

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 2:40

And it makes me very sad, the guilt that a lot of caregivers carry and hold themselves responsible for. And we're all learning. It's a learn by day by day. And there is no perfect roadmap. But if we can shed any light on understanding better what's you know, driving behaviors or we understand better how the brain is being impaired or altered because of dementia, then we're more equipped, the more knowledge we have, the better equipped we are to deal with the challenges, the cognitive impairment, the behavior changes, all of that that happens as a result of dementia.

SPEAKER_00: 3:16

So I want to get into your book. Before we get into your book, though, I want to talk about experiences that I've had since we've talked last. So I got to go to Hokovic, which is the dementia village in Amsterdam. Nice. And I actually just came back from a conference where one of the founders of the Hokovic was speaking. And the idea behind it is because somebody has dementia, we treat them like we have to protect them from all dangers in life. And the idea of Hokovic with a Debian Village is no, people do actually fall, people do die. Well, you gotta let an adult be an adult. So how do you feel about that concept?

SPEAKER_01: 4:05

So a lot of kind of gonna be in alignment with my new book is that, you know, we all we all have a history. We uh 80, 90, you know, 70, 60, 50, 40. And a lot of times what can come to the surface because of dementia is this history that we all have, right? And what I love about the Dementa Village, it allows the person with dementia to be. It allows the person with dementia to thrive, it allows the person with dementia to live their best quality of life as dementa progresses. It allows them to still be purposeful, allows them to still be significant, to feel a sense of value, to feel a sense of belonging, to feel a sense of connection, which is all very important for people living with dementia and how lovely they build this village, I call it, right? This environment where they're among one another and they can thrive for as long as so that's interesting.

SPEAKER_00: 5:11

So I highly recommend if you ever get a chance to go. It was transformational, in my view, of dementia. So I do it's very interesting that you understand that, that you know already that this is you understand the concept. Like that's really interesting because the concept of it is that you know, we can't I think in America we just try to protect people. Like it's it's all about, you know, let's put them in a wheelchair, let's put them, you know, let's let's uh you know limit their ability to wander. And so honestly, I now understand something that I didn't understand before, which was if there's we've been dealing with for our clients, I mean we've been dealing with a lot of what we call what is in America called behaviors, and that they don't really have that at Hokovic at the dementia village. They don't really have that because they let them be people. So I think that is a really interesting concept of just because somebody has dementia not denying the fact that they're still a person.

SPEAKER_01: 6:28

Right. So again, referencing my book, we can't ignore that this person has a life, a full life prior to getting dementia. They were a father, they were a husband, they were a school teacher, an attorney.

SPEAKER_00: 6:46

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 6:46

There's an identity that still remains within us. Although the brain may be impaired, the brain may be altered, we still have to keep this identity alive and still tap into. I always say when the brain fails, the words fail, we can always connect to the heart to the soul because that remains alive till end of life. And so the the village allows that soul, allows that person to still live their best life given the circumstances, right?

SPEAKER_00: 7:20

Right.

unknown: 7:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:21

So, Tammy, this is something that I um really impressed about you and something that really this is why I want to promote you to my audience. So tell me about your new book because honestly, uh this is all really important information. So tell me about your new book.

SPEAKER_01: 7:43

Yeah, so there's a couple there's a couple themes throughout the book. First, let me say why I wrote the book. I wrote the book because in my private practice, I deal with a lot, the majority of my clients are the family caregivers who are just struggling on how to navigate and how to deal with the behavior changes and the personality changes and and whatnot.

unknown: 8:04

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 8:05

And there's a shift in the relationship. And I wrote the book because we talk so much about dementia in some negative light. And in my practice, I've been given the opportunity to help educate caregivers. And we can maybe use this dementa journey to help heal old wounds that a person who maybe with dementia was neglected, was abandoned, was rejected. Maybe there's abuse, physical, emotional, sexual abuse. And what a gift that a lot of us nurturing a person, caring for a person living with dementia, we could provide language and we could provide a safety net that maybe they never received before they passed away. Then you have the caregiver who has also a history and has past triggers and has past things happen to them. And some cases they're caring for a loved one who was not kind to them, right? And so how do we use the dementa journey to possibly feel old wounds within yourself? And the one common denominator is we all come with a past. We've all been affected. Some have trauma. Again, some have rejection, some have neglect, abandonment. All of this factors in that when a person gets dementa and I'm caring for somebody, we need to understand that history because the more we understand that history, the more personalized we can give the care and the better care the caregiver can take of themselves as well. And we just dismiss behaviors often, oh, it's just dementia or it's part of dementia, it's part of dementia. And in my practice, I can usually find a history connected to the behavior, which sheds some light on, oh my gosh. And once we can make that connection, we become more empathetic and we become more understanding. So we shift our thinking. It's not why are they being so difficult? The thinking shifts from what can I do to support them?

SPEAKER_00: 10:10

Yeah, I hope everybody reads your book because that is very deep in you know, understanding of the situation, which is not typical, honestly. You've done what the work that you've done here has been very important and deep because a lot of people are just very, it's very hard to deal with, especially like a parent or even a spouse, honestly. But you know, and for you to help people understand that goes beyond what happened 30 years ago.

SPEAKER_01: 10:46

Yeah. I mean, you know, you have somebody crying out, I'll be a good girl, I'll be a good girl, and the care community doesn't know what to do, the husband doesn't know how to respond. And I find out that she's saying this because, you know, she grew up in an alcoholic home, and father would punish her and you know, tell her she'd be a bad girl. And, you know, a lot of times this history gets repeated when I get dementia because I don't have the coping mechanisms anymore that I used to have. I don't have ways of suppressing the memories, they come alive. And so a lot of times, if we don't understand the history behind the behavior, we dismiss it too. Well, that's just dementia. No, there's some truth to what they may be saying and what they're reliving. And again, Bob, it's all about how do we give them maybe by the time they pass away, we gave them language they never ever received. You're safe, I'll take care of you, I'll protect you. And what a gift we can give to the person with dementia, and what a gift we can give back to ourselves as the care.

SPEAKER_00: 11:49

And that's it. It's the second part. It's the gift we give to ourselves, right? It's it's the issue of, you know, parents gonna die, whatever. But if we can forgive them for the stuff, you know, we we have a better understanding of that.

SPEAKER_01: 12:07

Yeah. You know, I talk a lot about setting boundaries. I talk a lot about emotional patterns that you know that we we uh we we grow up with in order to survive our the circumstances, in order to survive the the environment, life situations, and all of these things play a factor in how we care for ourselves as a caregiver, how we provide care, and then how we care for the person living with dementia. So the book just really goes for a much deeper dive into really understanding the why behind behaviors, the why behind the behaviors that your loved one with dementia may be experiencing, and the why behind your behaviors that, you know, so many caregivers will say, Right, I'm so upset, I'm so impatient, and this and that. And, you know, understand you better allows you to feel better about the care you're providing, but also feel better about yourself. And I'm all about understanding versus self-judgment and criticism. There's no place for self-judgment. There's no place for that self-criticism. We're all doing the very best we can. And the better I understand why I react, the better I understand what my triggers are, then the better I will take care of myself as well.

SPEAKER_00: 13:28

This is how so important. So I'm curious to you, is there a book available on audio?

SPEAKER_01: 13:34

Yeah, that's great. So we're right in the process right now. Uh by the end of the week, we're hoping we'll have it up on audio. We're um the gal finished the book, so now I'm just in the process of listening to it. So it will be out on audio, I'm hoping within the next week or so.

SPEAKER_00: 13:51

That's great.

SPEAKER_01: 13:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 13:53

Now, what you're saying is so important. I think it's not something that people understand until they go through it. They just don't understand the trauma of all of this. I think I really appreciate your book. I think it's important, and I appreciate you coming on our podcast to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01: 14:18

Yeah, and it's interesting you you said the word trauma because there's uh sections in my book about how trauma resurfaces, how to deal with trauma, trauma that you may be triggered, trauma that your loved one has been subjected to. And the book is full of case examples, the book is full of care strategies, the book is full of information that's going to help you understand better the dynamics of what's happening as your loved one changes, as you're affected. I really feel that if we choose, the dementia journey can be transformative for you as the caregiver during and after, but also transformative for the person living with dementia. As the brain fails, as the brain continues to be damaged, how can we heal and connect at the soul?

SPEAKER_00: 15:15

And that's a really interesting point because, you know, sometimes I have clients that will say, you know, look, I did not have a good relationship with my dad, or I did not have a good relationship with my mom. But I, you know, they're called to care for them. They're that like they know that they this is a calling for them. And so it's interesting and it's helpful, I think, for like your book to be help people understand that this could actually be a nice journey. Oddly, it's an you know a thing to say. But it actually could be a nice journey to healing.

SPEAKER_01: 15:54

It can. And I think let me also I also give people permission not to care for a loved one and put themselves in that situation. You know, it's all about doing what is best for you. And if we're gonna choose to care and we're caring for someone who was abusive or neglected you, how do we still racist or whatever? Exactly. How do we still take care of you if you choose to do this? And equip caregivers on how to do that. But more importantly, give them permission also to say, you know what, if this is not your calling, that's okay too. And if you do decide to do this, how do we take care of you in this situation? As again, your loved one who once was not good to you, you're now caring for them. How do we make this survivable for you as well as how do we interact with the person living with dementia? Because the mental behaviors can feel like you're doing to me what you did to me before you had dementia. And that also is something we have to acknowledge. And again, in the book, I equip you. There's one chapter, chapter 10 is calling your healing toolbox. It's the longest chapter in the book, and there's tons of different information that uh hopefully can empower the caregiver.

SPEAKER_00: 17:19

Yeah. You know, Tammy, this is one of the reasons why I really like talking to you because this is really a very important conversation. And I don't know that many people have this conversation. I really think it's important to have this conversation about, you know, the difficulty of caring for a parent. You know, I'm guessing most of the people that read your book are are kids. That are, you know, it's not a spouse, but it's possible that it would be a spouse. But I'm guessing that most of the people are going to be a child and they're going to have different opinions or different experiences. And so I just think that the conversation that you have and the work that you've done to figure this stuff out is been really, it's a really important conversation. It's really like you've done deeper dive conversation than this than a lot of people have done. And I just really appreciate the work that you've done.

SPEAKER_01: 18:20

Well, thank you, Bob. That means a lot to me because I really admire and uh respect the work that you do as an elder law attorney to help navigate family. Again, in the book, we talk a lot about family dynamics. You get you get an earful. Family dynamics tend to come to the surface when uh we're caring for a loved one with dementia.

SPEAKER_00: 18:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 18:44

And again, it's just again, I because of my counseling background, you know, there's questions I know to ask, there's things that I'm listening for, there's things that I'm hearing over and over again. And I kind of think of my book as sort of letting the skeletons out of the closet kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00: 19:00

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 19:01

It's it's stuff that we don't necessarily talk a lot about, and yet it's very important to be aware of because we're still dealing with two human beings and who have dynamics and relationships, and then we have families, we add the families into the picture, and there's so many different dynamics going on. So I go for a deep dive also on how to manage the family dynamics as well.

SPEAKER_00: 19:26

And that's so important. Like that's the thing. It's not that I don't respect other attorneys, but I think that a lot of the attorneys don't listen to the nuance. And I think that that's one of the things I really respect about you, and I really appreciate about you, is that the nuance of the situation is important, and that we need to pay attention to that and hopefully try to improve the situation, not just categorizing. Everybody into, you know, a specific like, you know, categories.

SPEAKER_01: 20:05

Yeah, you know, my goal is if I can bring understanding, understanding, it starts with understanding, right? Understanding, oh, that's why my sister does that, or why my brother. You know, let's face it, we all have roles. We all grow up in a family, we all learn to be a certain way within the family system. And those roles don't don't go away. They will resurface again when a loved one gets dementia. And anything I can do to number one, increase your awareness and then also equip you with how to deal with these dynamics, then I feel that I've given something to the caregiver that could help them make this journey more survivable for them, as well as being able to let go of expectations that may never change. And how do we embrace again letting go of those expectations and empowering you to do what's necessary to take care of you?

SPEAKER_00: 21:03

And that's and so we're gonna wrap up here, but but that's one of the things I really appreciate about you is that you're trying to make sure that people understand that everybody's different. We're not trying to categorize everybody in the same role, that we're just can't just categorize everybody, and so that everybody has a, you know, every parent, every situation, every, you know, person with dementia is a person, not just a person with dementia. And I really appreciated that about you, and I appreciate that about the book that you've written. And so, is there any takeaways that you'd like to give our listeners before we conclude?

SPEAKER_01: 21:42

Yeah, I do want to say something, especially to all the caregivers that are caring for a loved one living with dementia. Please be as kind and nurturing and loving and supportive. Nice and be as good to yourself as you are to others, because you are the backbone of caregiving. And I think caregivers forget that they are putting out so much energy that they too deserve the same amount of love, care, and kindness for themselves as well. So I know they struggle with a lot of guilt. I know they struggle with a lot of doubt. And I want to say that you are a gift to the people that you're taking care of, and you matter, and your history matters just as much as the person you're taking care of.

SPEAKER_00: 22:31

That that was a really important statement that you just said there because it is, I think the caregivers are not, they don't feel honestly, they don't feel appreciated in any way. Like their siblings often are questioning them. They're not, you know, they don't feel appreciated. And it is, it takes a whole lot to do what they do. And so what you just said there, I think is a really important statement. So thank you for doing what you do, and thank you for the books that you provide. Where can we get your book?

SPEAKER_01: 23:10

Again, you can get both my books are on Amazon. You can get it in Kindle, and again, my first book is already on audio. The second book, my new book will be on audio again, and I would say give it about another week, and you'll be able to get both books in Dolphin.

SPEAKER_00: 23:26

So by the time that we publish this presentation, they'll be able to get that book.

SPEAKER_01: 23:31

Yeah, I bet you're right. Yeah. Many weeks have probably gone by by then. So, yes, by the time this is probably published, it'll be in audio. Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 23:40

Okay, nice.

SPEAKER_01: 23:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 23:42

So thank you so much, Tammy. I appreciate all the work that you do. If you enjoyed this presentation and you'd like to hear more of this, don't forget to subscribe to our podcast, Advice from Your Advocates. Anything else you want to say before we conclude, Tammy?

SPEAKER_01: 24:00

I just would like to thank you again for having me and uh all your support in my work. And again, to all the caregivers out there, really truly thank you for the love and the care and the support you provide day in and day out. And please be sure to give back to yourself. So, Bob, thank you again for having me. It's always a pleasure to see you. And I hope you continue wishing you continued success in all that you do as well.

SPEAKER_00: 24:24

So, subscribe to our podcast at advice for advice from your advocates at any of the places that you listen to podcasts, or you can go to YouTube, manorlawgroup.com. So happy to have you follow us and thank you.

SPEAKER_01: 24:46

Thanks for listening. To learn more, visit manorlawgroup.com.